Our Dumb Village
by thephaw
Summary: Keep up to date with the important issues facing your favorite village hidden in the leaves with hard-hitting and unbiased news stories, studies, and reports. Warning, satirical humor inside.
1. Konoha Ninja not Ninja Enough

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**A/N: **I don't own Naruto or any of the characters.

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**. : Konoha's Ninja Are Not Promoting a Ninja-like Image : .  
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Konohagakure, Fire Country -

Chuuko Yatsu remembered the good old days. They were times when he would see intimidating figures shrouded in shadow and leaves, knowing that he was well protected by true shinobi. These days the 52 year old civilian finds pre-pubescent children running amok, wielding weapons as if they were toys and claiming to be those same ninja who protected the village.

"I'm not sure what to make of it," said Yatsu, whose feelings of safety have long since dwindled. "I mean, come on—what happened to the uniforms, age requirements, and codes of conduct? Knowing that the only thing standing between our countless bloodthirsty enemies and our own supple, wealthy village are a bunch of neon-color-wearing kids who turn into naked girls doesn't do much to promote a sense of security."

Yatsu isn't alone. According to a recent poll, nearly 70 percent of all Konoha-nin admitted that, Konoha's current force of shinobi were not living up to the images their predecessors have fostered in the past. In fact, most civilians claim that overall awesome-shadowy-ninjaness is lacking from the recent generations of shinobi.

"I can't even blame these kids," Yatsu said. "It's great that they're learning their art at such an early age. Maybe it's their teachers? I don't even know what to think anymore."

Despite overall civilian concern, many ninja are unaware that there is a problem at all. Naruto Uzumaki, a young fifteen year-old shinobi in training, said yesterday that he has worn orange ever since he could remember and was not planning on abandoning the flamboyant color.

"Kakashi-sensei never really said anything about it," admitted the young Genin. "And neither did Ero-sennin or Tsunade-baasan." Inquiries as to why he would wear orange in the first place were met with proud disregard. "That's because it's my ninja way," said Naruto despite listing off reasons as to why wearing the bright color would be a practical disadvantage in battle.

Many shinobi educators maintain that it is important for young shinobi to express their individuality. However, hundreds of ninja of other countries manage to retain their individuality and exude ninja-ness at the same time. The instructors, however, disregard this fact.

Village scientists say they are aware of the issue and have already conducted preliminary research, developing a brand new state-of-the-art ninja suit that they hope to have mandated in the coming years. In fact, a prototype – dubbed leafskin – is already being tested by an enthusiastic young Genin.

"I love it," said Lee Rock, who was sporting the prototype since its creation. "Practical and stylish. This is what 'the power of youth' should look like."

A report released early last month by Konohagakure's Research Institute also shed light on other pressing image-related issues as well. A recent survey clearly indicated that a shocking 64 percent of ninja perceive Konoha's leaf-symbol as "Not badass enough."

Drunk Hokage, Tsunade, had little to add on the subject, projecting instead indecipherable rants on her fellow Sannin's, Jiraiya, alleged perverted tendencies.

In response to these findings, many Konoha-nin have urged the Hokage and elders to, at the very least, update the out-dated image engraved upon the ninja forehead protectors. The civilians have even sent in their own designs. The current favorite design depicts the famous leaf-symbol underneath a tree and soaking in the rain of blood spurting forth from a burning figure that hung impaled by a branch of that tree.

"I think it's very artfully done," said Sai, ninja and designer of the new headband symbol. "The tree represents the shinobi protecting the village and the leaf represents the people of the village. Enemies will look at our foreheads and feel intimidated instead of wondering why Konoha's symbol is a 'spirally arrow thing'."

Only time will tell if these findings are enough to spur the Hokage into action.

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Poll: What ninja think of Konoha's Leaf Design?

64% - "Not badass enough."

16% - "I like it."

15% - "You mean that spirally arrow thing?"

5% - "I wear the headband of another village when nobody is watching."

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**Other Random Headlines**

Poll: Rasengan recently overtook Chidori in a heated battle for 'Most Awesome Handheld Jutsu'

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A recent study proves that normal ink, rather than blood, can be used to sign summoning scrolls. In fact, scientists have found out that blood is completely unnecessary for summoning of any kind. Researchers speculate that quote "Whoever first developed summoning jutsu was undoubtedly an 'emo' person who wanted to summon friends to understand him."

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Akatsuki cloaks are becoming a popular fashion trend across all of Konoha. Authorities say that this makes renowned organization of S-class criminals much harder to find and capture but analysts speculate that nobody else cares.

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Hokage Tsunade's breasts confirmed fake by expert and famed novelist Jiraiya in a shocking and indepth report released yesterday. Hokage to release formal apology for deceiving the village next week.

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Complaints are on the rise that ninja Genin are stealing viable jobs from the hard-working 'normal' civilians of the village. In related news, shinobi are having a hard time coping as the civilian-run weapons industry strike enters its second month.

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**A/N: **Good thing nobody is reading this fic. No pressure to update! Yay!

Making up names for random civilians is fun. Chuuko Yatsu means 'old guy' but actually sounds like a legitimate Japanese name to my ears, lol.


	2. Naruto Unveils New Sexy Model

**A/N: **I forgot what I wanted to write here.

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**. : Tech Trends: Naruto Unveils New Model for his Sexy no Jutsu : .**

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**Konohagakure no Sato, Fire Country -

Apprentice to the legendary hermit and Genin Naruto Uzumaki gave the public a first glimpse of Naruko, the latest incarnation of his highly lauded line of Sexy no Jutsu girls, during his weekly visit to the Hokage's office on Monday.

The 67.5 inch, 110 pound beauty – a result of many months of dedicated research and training from Jiraiya – is taller, tighter, and more voluptuous than last month's model, Naru, by a significant margin.

"Naru just looked a little too young, which may have worked well for younger audiences and pedophiles, but less so for the more traditional crowd." said Hideo Hentaiecchi, bathhouse owner and experienced victim of Naruto's perverted jutsu ever since it's introduction last year. "Also, Naru's whisker marks just made the entire model appear a little too fetishist. By removing the marks and implementing simpler, more subconscious-level allures, Naruto has ensured that his Sexy no Jutsu will continue to work on a wider range of men.

Naruto expects that his new Naruko model will help to open up entire new venues for him to exploit.

"With Naruko, I'm introducing a range of cutting-edge perverted attributes that my last model Naru could only dream of," Naruto said during a recent demonstration, in which Naruko smoothly and effortlessly infiltrated a high-end lingerie shop that he was kicked out of before.

"The combination of much larger breasts, healthier looking hair, and updated poses allows my new model to not only please my male fans, but make the girls feel a natural jealousy as well." Naruto also reported that early testing of the model has produced promising results, claiming a 71 percent reduction in 'getting-caught-and-beat-to-a-blood-pulp' incidents.

Along with the improved attributes mentioned above, Naruko also sports slightly darker-looking skin, less imposing smoke upon it's creation, and is fully backwards-compatible with Naruto's other flagship technique, the Harem no Jutsu.

Also, for a more customized approach to perversion, Naruko will be released in four different hair colors, with analysts expecting the blonde model to be more popular than the brunette or redhead one. The fourth color, a fluorescent purple, is still undergoing beta testing at this time.

Expert and famed novelist, Jiraiya, so far has praised the redesign, particularly the more mature type of sexiness the new model exudes. "I knew that reading my Icha Icha books to [Naruto] while he slept would eventually pay off," said Jiraiya, who plans to feature the new model in his next book. "It brings a joyful tear to my eye, and blood down my nose, whenever I get a good look at Naruko. I'm proud of her—err him."

Analysts report that Naruto's only real competition comes from his self-proclaimed apprentice, Konohamaru. The young grandchild of the Third Hokage has so far released two of his own Sexy no Jutsu models, Ko-chan and her Double Knockout Girls no Jutsu lesbian partner Hamaru. But because Ko-chan and Hamaru are still under-refined, according to lead experts, Naruko's appeal will likely prove much broader.

Women everywhere can expect to see Naruko bathing with them as early as tomorrow.


	3. Naruto Sick of Time Travel

**A/N: **I just thought I'd poke a little fun at all fanfiction authors out there. Me included.

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**. : Naruto Getting Sick of Time Travel : .**

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**Konohagakure no Sato, Fire Country –

After training for years and years, running thousands upon thousands of missions, and experiencing countless harrowing near-death experiences, Naruto was disheartened to learn that he is, in fact, still only five years old as of press time, despite being over thirty a day before.

"Five!?" Long time defender of Konohagakure and container of a deadly nine-tailed demon fox said. "Why the hell am I five now?"

Added Naruto: "Fuck! Not again…"

According to the five year old child who claims to have forgotten his true age, the out of body experience is nothing new, citing off the hundreds of thousands of times he has purportedly lived his life only to be forced to relive it again and again through some bizarre and unexplained twist just before his death or some insanely tragic event. "Why me?" said Naruto, expressing inner angst and depression unbefitting of his perceived age.

Naruto admitted that he enjoyed the time travel experiences at first because they allowed him to do the things he missed out on the first time around. However, the experiences were never as fun as he expected them to be because no matter what he did or how strong he became, there would always be some overpowered antagonist to overcome, epic dramas to be involved in, and all encompassing romances to consummate. His impressive yet still growing resume boasts off feats that many would consider impossible: He has become Hokage 58,489 times, had intimate sexual relationships with every person imaginable regardless of his, or their, gender, race, or species, met people from alternate universes he didn't even know existed, and has consumed an estimated 5 trillion bowls of ramen.

"I just want it all to finally end," Naruto said.

The now young genin-to-be reported that he has tried 'Goddamn everything' to end the infinite time loops that he sometimes describes as 'holy shit this is fucking retarded.' Naruto even admits to several attempts at annihilating the entire universe, but he always happened to be 'Dark Naruto' during those attempts and 'some good guy' would inevitably ruin his plans through 'whatever' obscure means. "I give up… believe it," expressed a glum Naruto.

Even the malignant nine-tailed demon fox inside of the boy took his time to come out and express his sympathy. "It's like somebody out there is putting us into these situations for their sick enjoyment," said the Kyuubi, the fox who has experienced much of what Naruto has experienced through seemingly infinite pasts. "In fact, I think I met some of them. They all spout off the same nonsense. Something about being a writer trapped in the 'Naruto World' because of some stupid nonsensical inciting incident. But when we asked them if they could do anything to help, they refused and proceeded to woo Naruto and the other ninja with their unlikely yet somehow effective romantic plots."

For the time being, Naruto says he will continue to go through the motions of time travel, praying to the gods 'if they're out there' to just let him move on already. Until that happens, he hopes the gods will enjoy his 284,943th life. He also hopes it will turn out better than his last one where he was trained by Goku, a super-saiyan Gundam pilot who fights to protect the entire universe from Voldemort, a dark wizard who wields a mysterious notebook that kills people and transforms them into Arrancar that are attempting to destroy Konohagakure through means of becoming Pokemon masters.

Said Naruto again: "Fuck!"

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**A/N: **At first I was going to write a report about a 'Mary Sue' that suddenly appeared in the Narutoverse and captured everyones hearts but it was too hard to write. So instead, I just poked fun at fanfiction in general.


	4. War on Paper Rages On

**A/N: **Yes, I plan to continue to release every article as a separate chapter.

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**. : War on Paperwork Enters Third Year : .**

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**Konhagakure no Sato, Fire Country –

Tsunade announced Tuesday that more taxpayer money will be diverted to fund the war on paperwork that has been raging in her office since she accepted the position of Hokage three years ago. The decision, which was narrowly passed by a vote among her most trusted advisors Shizune and Tonton, was met with mostly apathy by the public. However, the Hokage clearly asserts that the war can be won.

"My free time has been oppressed by malignant sheets of processed trees for far too long," declared Tsunade. "It's finally time to take a final stand."

During the address, Tsunade laid out a historic three-point plan against paperwork that she hopes will end the conflict over the hotly contested area over her desk; a conflict that has so far resulted in much frustration and pain in the form of stinging cuts across her fingertips.

The plan—which some are calling that crazy-lady's most-insane plan to date—calls for the formation of a special ANBU-like counter-paperwork unit purposed to eliminate the people who send her the documents in the first place. Under the new plan, Konoha-nin are also advised to burn down all trees in the general vicinity to prevent the production of new paper. In addition, Tsunade urges citizens to now rely solely on the use of handshakes and verbal agreements for all matters that once relied upon writing up complicated contracts or reports that needed to be stamped and/or signed.

Tsunade says she will put the plan in to action as soon as she gains the approval of the village elders and promises not to intimidate them in her favor through means of physical force this time around.


End file.
